Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
