I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
