Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
vagina is talking i cant
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
