if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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