so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Quick, to the slutcave!
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
