it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
