it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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