Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
