the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
