We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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