Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
