Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
