Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
