whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
