This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
