She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
