I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
