one might say we're banned from that church
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
