Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
