Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
