when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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