Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Sober January is a disaster.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
