He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
