My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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