I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
