My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You ate ashes out of my bong
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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