and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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