I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
