Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Found the puke drawer
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
