I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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