Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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