there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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