I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
