We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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