The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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