True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I am midnight drunk by noon
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
