he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
