someone threw a dead crab at me
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
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