You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
