Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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