i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
