Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize