My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
