we have officially mastered the walk of shame
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
