Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
