Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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