I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
