is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
