I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
