While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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