Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
