Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
