my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
