Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
