just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
