wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
