doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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