Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
