Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
