My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
