I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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