Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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