She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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