I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
