I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
